She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Answer to criticism from researcher
Dear xxxxxx
Thanks for coming back on this.
Mothers as well as fathers phone our helpline and with this experience I find the ethos of this Briefing 42 is biased. If they could not do an opposite survey then it should never have been made public. That part alone is biased. What is to be gained by publishing this briefing? We know it happens but who really is to blame for it?. The damage this has done sets family unity back years?
Interviewing children that have just gone through a fresh crisis is bound to bring out the worst especially when children are brainwashed into the mothers version encouraged by the other women to make it ten times worse for the father, who is then alienated. Most women in these refuges are not interested in the welfare of children at that point in time, only for revenge. Any research at this time has got to show the worst, not only for the father but innocent grandparents are alienated from the children as well. The children are the ones who really lose out in the end and that is our main concern.
Jimmy
Mother who smacked her son with hairbrush in a 'moment of madness' is forced to give him up to social services
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1168709/Mother-smacked-son-hairbrush-moment-madness-forced-social-services.html
By Luke SalkeldLast updated at 5:53 PM on 09th April 2009
Researcher Critic
Alas as a researcher, and someone who monitors research I must disagree with your view that the work on "After Domestic Violence: Children's perspective on contact with fathers" is biased research. The report states clearly and openly what the subject is, and how the sample was obtained, i.e. children whose mothers were at refuges, and it seems to be an honest portrayal of the views expressed by children in that sample. It may not have tackled the aspect of the problem which you would like to see covered, but that was not their subject. No-where does it says that violence from women towards their partners does not exist and pose problems for children: it is simply that that is not the subject being studied. You could suggest to the Centre for Research that this would be a useful subject to follow up, though I suspect finding a sample would be more difficult, simply because there is not a national system of refuges for abused male partners to provide easily identified subjects. If this were followed up, they might well find that children had similar feelings about contact with absent violent mothers as they had with violent fathers.
I am however grateful to you for drawing my attention to this report, which I think supplies useful information about respecting the rights of children as to who they want to see, or avoid, and why.
I see that other research published by the Centre has drawn attention to the importance of grandparents to children and as support for parents - and we can all say Amen to that!.
With best wishes for your continued success.
Thanks for coming back on this.
Mothers as well as fathers phone our helpline and with this experience I find the ethos of this Briefing 42 is biased. If they could not do an opposite survey then it should never have been made public. That part alone is biased. What is to be gained by publishing this briefing? We know it happens but who really is to blame for it?. The damage this has done sets family unity back years?
Interviewing children that have just gone through a fresh crisis is bound to bring out the worst especially when children are brainwashed into the mothers version encouraged by the other women to make it ten times worse for the father, who is then alienated. Most women in these refuges are not interested in the welfare of children at that point in time, only for revenge. Any research at this time has got to show the worst, not only for the father but innocent grandparents are alienated from the children as well. The children are the ones who really lose out in the end and that is our main concern.
Jimmy
Mother who smacked her son with hairbrush in a 'moment of madness' is forced to give him up to social services
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1168709/Mother-smacked-son-hairbrush-moment-madness-forced-social-services.html
By Luke SalkeldLast updated at 5:53 PM on 09th April 2009
Researcher Critic
Alas as a researcher, and someone who monitors research I must disagree with your view that the work on "After Domestic Violence: Children's perspective on contact with fathers" is biased research. The report states clearly and openly what the subject is, and how the sample was obtained, i.e. children whose mothers were at refuges, and it seems to be an honest portrayal of the views expressed by children in that sample. It may not have tackled the aspect of the problem which you would like to see covered, but that was not their subject. No-where does it says that violence from women towards their partners does not exist and pose problems for children: it is simply that that is not the subject being studied. You could suggest to the Centre for Research that this would be a useful subject to follow up, though I suspect finding a sample would be more difficult, simply because there is not a national system of refuges for abused male partners to provide easily identified subjects. If this were followed up, they might well find that children had similar feelings about contact with absent violent mothers as they had with violent fathers.
I am however grateful to you for drawing my attention to this report, which I think supplies useful information about respecting the rights of children as to who they want to see, or avoid, and why.
I see that other research published by the Centre has drawn attention to the importance of grandparents to children and as support for parents - and we can all say Amen to that!.
With best wishes for your continued success.
Centre for Research on Families and Relationships. Reply to Briefing 42
Dear Fiona Morrison, (crfr)
I am Jimmy Deuchars from Grandparents Apart UK. Out motto is “Bringing Families Together”.. In our dealings with grandchildren I have found that both father and mother can be as bad as each other. Now remember; as a grandparent my only concern is the welfare of the child/ren. I am against domestic violence of any kind but In my experience, it is not always the man that causes the violence like your brifing suggests but he always is the one arrested and blamed for it.
When a mother contacts woman’s aid, she very quickly learns the tricks of how to get things going her way especially if she is a vengeful type. Then it is mostly the mother knowingly or not that is guilty of implanting fear into her own children by telling them it was their fathers fault and he only wants to see them to kidnap them away from their mum. They use that to alienate the dad then blackmail follows. If all that doesn’t work a strop is thrown usually in court creating animosity and false allegations of sexual abuse is used to clinch the case.
My granddaughters witnessed their father Tom and his partner in domestic abuse when she punched him and goaded him into defending himself and screaming that he was attacking her. After being thrown to the floor he got up and left as he is not a man to use violence in any way against a woman.. When he came back they were all in bed so he slept in the spare room .The police was phoned for at 2am and her 14 year old son told them he and his mother was assaulted by Tom. So Tom was dragged very roughly out of bed and taken to the police station. It was the next day when the girls told what actually happened and the police got to the bottom of it. Tom was released without charge but badly shaken. No charges were brought against the boy or his mother for false accusation or wasting police time.
Tom is now living away from that woman and her son.
The part of knife in this statement from a boy of ten looks as it was put in for better effect because the knife would have been taken as evidence by police not left lying around.
One time my dad had a knife out. I came down whenhe was taken to prison for the night. I came downand there was a dent in the floor where he flung thecouch and there was a knife on the other couch.
(boy, 10)
Honestly I think Briefing 42 is very biased and Fiona Morrison has copied this straight from the worst stories from the ranks of woman’s aid.... Somewhat along these lines. A woman phoned woman’s aid and said she was leaving her husband. She was asked if there was any violence. No “she” said. “it would be easier if you said there was”
The worst bit of this is, it has been edited by Fran Wasoff and Jennifer Flueckiger.
Jimmy Deuchars
Below are some comments from fathers I know.
In my case Jimmy , we have a woman twice arrested for violently assaulting myself ,yet the police (very conveniently for them as they have a duty to arrest the aggressor in DM incidents) could find no trace ,however in court my ex denies this and yet when both HER brother and sister gave evidence they could recall very clearly that this was true.
Further in court my ex has admitted to calling me and threatening to Have Me Done In, and to “slapping me about a bit when I did not do what she wished”. Now I wonder what would happen to a man who admitted these things in court. He definitely would not see his kids again and would have been charged with threatening his partner and assault.
Dm is now recognized to be predominantly caused by females however the doctrine that is widely applied is out of date and out of touch.
Maybe in past generations when men were men and women stayed home with the kids, DM was mostly perpetrated by men ,after all they were the ones who were allowed in pubs and got drunk and out of control ,remember a women would never have entered a pub alone during those times. However the same ancient feminatzi propaganda (read Erin Prizzy) is still being widely spouted to social science students, who of course ,having no or very little real life experience of there own; actually believe that they are being enlightened when they ingest this crap , fact is all they are doing is perpetuating an ancient myth and probably going into profession’s where they will continue to cause very real damage to countless children and families, with there skewed and dangerous view of the world, dangerous idiots. They should try doing their own research.
What they have failed to say , Scottish women are now the most violet per head of population in Europe those statistic were revealed on Sky news last year.
Social workers said because I was a soldier, I was more likely to be violent to my own children
By Antonia HoyleLast updated at 10:16 PM on 04th April 2009
Centre for Research on Families and Relationshipshttp://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1167536/Social-workers-said-I-soldier-I-likely-violent-children.html
I am Jimmy Deuchars from Grandparents Apart UK. Out motto is “Bringing Families Together”.. In our dealings with grandchildren I have found that both father and mother can be as bad as each other. Now remember; as a grandparent my only concern is the welfare of the child/ren. I am against domestic violence of any kind but In my experience, it is not always the man that causes the violence like your brifing suggests but he always is the one arrested and blamed for it.
When a mother contacts woman’s aid, she very quickly learns the tricks of how to get things going her way especially if she is a vengeful type. Then it is mostly the mother knowingly or not that is guilty of implanting fear into her own children by telling them it was their fathers fault and he only wants to see them to kidnap them away from their mum. They use that to alienate the dad then blackmail follows. If all that doesn’t work a strop is thrown usually in court creating animosity and false allegations of sexual abuse is used to clinch the case.
My granddaughters witnessed their father Tom and his partner in domestic abuse when she punched him and goaded him into defending himself and screaming that he was attacking her. After being thrown to the floor he got up and left as he is not a man to use violence in any way against a woman.. When he came back they were all in bed so he slept in the spare room .The police was phoned for at 2am and her 14 year old son told them he and his mother was assaulted by Tom. So Tom was dragged very roughly out of bed and taken to the police station. It was the next day when the girls told what actually happened and the police got to the bottom of it. Tom was released without charge but badly shaken. No charges were brought against the boy or his mother for false accusation or wasting police time.
Tom is now living away from that woman and her son.
The part of knife in this statement from a boy of ten looks as it was put in for better effect because the knife would have been taken as evidence by police not left lying around.
One time my dad had a knife out. I came down whenhe was taken to prison for the night. I came downand there was a dent in the floor where he flung thecouch and there was a knife on the other couch.
(boy, 10)
Honestly I think Briefing 42 is very biased and Fiona Morrison has copied this straight from the worst stories from the ranks of woman’s aid.... Somewhat along these lines. A woman phoned woman’s aid and said she was leaving her husband. She was asked if there was any violence. No “she” said. “it would be easier if you said there was”
The worst bit of this is, it has been edited by Fran Wasoff and Jennifer Flueckiger.
Jimmy Deuchars
Below are some comments from fathers I know.
In my case Jimmy , we have a woman twice arrested for violently assaulting myself ,yet the police (very conveniently for them as they have a duty to arrest the aggressor in DM incidents) could find no trace ,however in court my ex denies this and yet when both HER brother and sister gave evidence they could recall very clearly that this was true.
Further in court my ex has admitted to calling me and threatening to Have Me Done In, and to “slapping me about a bit when I did not do what she wished”. Now I wonder what would happen to a man who admitted these things in court. He definitely would not see his kids again and would have been charged with threatening his partner and assault.
Dm is now recognized to be predominantly caused by females however the doctrine that is widely applied is out of date and out of touch.
Maybe in past generations when men were men and women stayed home with the kids, DM was mostly perpetrated by men ,after all they were the ones who were allowed in pubs and got drunk and out of control ,remember a women would never have entered a pub alone during those times. However the same ancient feminatzi propaganda (read Erin Prizzy) is still being widely spouted to social science students, who of course ,having no or very little real life experience of there own; actually believe that they are being enlightened when they ingest this crap , fact is all they are doing is perpetuating an ancient myth and probably going into profession’s where they will continue to cause very real damage to countless children and families, with there skewed and dangerous view of the world, dangerous idiots. They should try doing their own research.
What they have failed to say , Scottish women are now the most violet per head of population in Europe those statistic were revealed on Sky news last year.
Social workers said because I was a soldier, I was more likely to be violent to my own children
By Antonia HoyleLast updated at 10:16 PM on 04th April 2009
Centre for Research on Families and Relationshipshttp://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1167536/Social-workers-said-I-soldier-I-likely-violent-children.html
Monday, April 6, 2009
Briefing 42. After Domestic Violence: children's perspective on contact with fathers.
After domestic abuse: children's perspectives on contact with fathers
Contact between children and their fathers following parental separation is a sensitive and controversial subject. Thisis especially so where there has been a history of domestic abuse before parental separation. This briefing outlinesthe findings of a Master's thesis that aimed to gain children's perspectives on this issue.
Key Points
• Children were acutely aware of the domestic abuse that had occurred and of the impact it had on their andtheir mother's relationships with their father, even when they had not been physically abused themselves
• Children reported a mix of feelings towards their father including anger and sadness about his violence and the loss of a father figure. The overwhelming emotion they reported was intense fear towardstheir father
• Fear dominated the children's considerations about contact with their fathers
• Those fears included fear of kidnapping or abduction, fear of further abuse by their fathers and fear of theirfathers' anger. Children considered their and their mothers' safety to be the most important factors when making decisions about contact with fathers who had been abusive
• Children felt that 'forcing' them to have unwanted contact with their father would have a detrimental affecton them
• Children felt that they should make a significant contribution to decisions relating to contact with their fathers.They felt their opinions were important, as it was their lives about which decisions were being made
Background
Domestic abuse is a controversial social issue that inrecent decades has received significant attention. This has led to a greater awareness that children are often witness to and subject to domestic abuse and of the damaging consequences domestic abuse can have for children (Mullender et al 2002).
Child contact following parental separation and the outcomes it has for children is a related area for policy debate (Wasoff 2007). Research shows that while contact between children and their non-resident parentsis generally beneficial to children, it does not result inpositive outcomes in all cases.
Levels of parental conflict, the quality of the child'srelationship with non-resident parent before separation, and the wellbeing of the resident parent are reported as key determinants of whether contact is positive for children.
Of most interest from these studies is the finding thatchildren should want contact with a non-resident parentfor outcomes to be positive (Hunt 2003, Hunt andRoberts 2004, Pryor and Rodgers 2001).
The Children (Scotland) Act 1995 and the Family Law(Scotland) Act 2006 provide the legal framework for contact decisions.
The Family Law (Scotland) Act 2006 has the potentialto strengthen how courts make contact decisions where there is a history of domestic abuse. Section 24 of the Act ensures that when a court is considering the welfare of the child in relation to contact, they must consider the need to protect the child from any abuseor risk of abuse which might affect the child.
The Children (Scotland) Act 1995 establishes the principle that a child's best interests must determinewelfare decisions made about children. However, critics have argued that courts and social service professionals do not always fully consider the impact of domestic abuse on children and the continuing risk that contact may pose to children and their mothers (Mullender et al 2002, Kelly and Mullender 2000).
The Children (Scotland) Act 1995 also requires that children are consulted about important decisions that affect them. However, there has been relatively little research evidence so far about children's perspectives of contact with their fathers where there has been domestic abuse, and how their views have been taken into account in reaching decisions about contact.
CRFR research briefing 42
The study
The main aim of the research was to get the views ofchildren who have experienced domestic abuse about contact with their fathers following parental separation. Inparticular it aimed to:
• explore the feelings that children have towards their fathers
• understand the relationships that they have with their fathers
• explore their attitudes to and preferencesfor contact with fathers
This qualitative study involved 11 children aged between 8 and 14 years from Women's Aid refuge support services. All respondents had experienced domestic abuse in which their fathers were the perpetrators. All respondents had had contact with their fathers following parental separation, although not all were currently having contact with their fathers.
Findings
The children provided frank and detailed accounts of their relationships with their fathers and how they felt about having contact with them. As with other research (eg Mullender et al 2002), children had an acute awareness about the domestic abuse that had taken place in their families.
They had a sophisticated understanding about the dynamics of their own and their mothers' relationships with their fathers. In particular, they gave graphic accounts of violence to which they and their mothers had been subjected.
He was giving my mum the abuse by like pulling her hair and smacking her off doors and stuff.
(girl, 12)
One time my dad had a knife out. I came down when he was taken to prison for the night. I came down and there was a dent in the floor where he flung the couch and there was a knife on the other couch.
(boy, 10)
Fear
Children reported a mix of conflicting and, at times, extreme feelings towards their fathers. They reporting feeling sad about their fathers' violence, missing them, feeling angry with them and being relieved that they no longer lived with them. The strongest emotion that children reported was fear. This dominated their feelings about their fathers and was expressed in a number of ways and for a number of reasons, including kidnap, further abuse and dealing with their father's anger.
Kidnapping and abduction
Children were afraid their fathers would kidnap or abduct them. Contact was seen to provide fathers withan opportunity to 'steal children from their mum'. It is unclear whether this fear stems from threats made by the perpetrators or for other reasons. Regardless of its origin,
it was a significant fear that was shared by many of the children interviewed, as these two examples show.
Well I don't know cos sometimes it starts off like that [contact with a father] and then they'll hold them hostage and want custody of them.
(boy, 12)
.. .feeling all nervous an' that. And saying that I don't want to see him. And the reason why he'd be saying that is cos his dad might not give him back to his mum- (girl, 11)
Unsurprisingly such fears affected the contact that children wanted to have with their fathers. They described the conditions that would be necessary for them to feel safe enough to have contact with their father.
... where there are CCTV cameras or guards. Something where someone could see what was happening, like going swimming there's a lifeguardto see what's happening. Something safe even if it was dangerous like parachute jumping or bungee jumping there would have to be someone there to watch us. Not just for the safety but because he might try and steal them.
(boy, 9)
Further abuse by their father
Contact with fathers was seen to be a means for their fathers to continue to be involved in their mother's lives and continue to abuse them. This finding is consistentwith other studies where contact was found to provide the perpetrator the greatest opportunity for post-separation violence.
The children reported feeling anxious before contact with their fathers. They described being unable to sleep the night before contact and having 'a sore belly' or 'sore head'. All of the children reported concerns that a perpetrator of domestic abuse would use contact as an occasion forfurther abuse, either of their mothers or themselves.
Their father's anger
Children worried that their parents' separation and the circumstances that led up to it would cause their fathers to be angry with them. Reasons for their fathers' anger included children reporting domestic abuse to social workers or because children lived with their mother, not with their father.
With these fears came a strong sense of their own responsibility for protecting their mothers, which caused them to feel anxious and guilty.
Cos I kind of don't actually look forward to the visits and stuff cos... I'm scared I'm going to slip up and say something that I amn't meant to say.
Some described occasions where they had previously intervened to stop their fathers from assaulting their mothers or where they sought help to prevent abuse.
... I could have got him off her cos I've done it before when I jumped off behind and got him at the sides.
(boy. 9)
This kind of experience had repercussions for the relationships that children wanted to have with their fathers.
Losing a father
Along with children's feelings of fear towards their fathers, they all expressed some sadness and loss about their fathers. Even if they were happier not to be living with their father and in some cases no longer having any contact with him, they still expressed a sense of loss. Regardless of his behaviour, most felt (to some degree) a bond with him.
There's practically nothing good about him exceptfrom he's my dad.
- (boy, 9)
These feelings of loss seemed to be concerned with an ideal conception of what a father 'should' or 'could' be like, rather than their own lived experience of their fathers.They described occasions where their fathers had failed to attend contact visits and occasions where they did not keep promises.
[I feel] quite sad cos we can only get to see him once a week and he doesn't turn up, cos he doesn't like doing it with social workers.
(girl, 12)
I feel happy cos I don't see my dad again. He phoned at Christmas and Easter and said he'd get a lawyerand get us, but he never turned up.
(girl, 11)
For some respondents the loss of their father was madeworse by the stigma about not having a father from peers.
Having contact with a violent parent
Overall the children interviewed were ambivalent about having contact with their fathers. One respondent expressed a desire to have contact, six reported they were unsure and four reported that they did not want to have any contact with their father.
Children described what they thought was important when thinking about contact with a violent parent following parental separation.
Safety is paramount
Safety was identified as the paramount consideration when deciding if a child should have contact. They said that if a child was afraid of a parent or if one parent was afraid of the other parent, then contact was not positive.
Children did not rule out contact entirely. Some thought that if their fathers had 'changed', and had stopped being abusive, then contact was something that could be considered.
However they were not convinced that their fathers would stop being abusive. Some worried that their fathers would form new relationships and begin to abuse their new partners. Others did not understand why their father chose to be violent so were unsure what would cause him to stop. Children were clear about what they thought motivated their fathers' violent behaviour, as in these examples.
Because if somebody's violent they can always goand get help, like anger management an' that to getstopped .
... But sometimes it's their will power andthey don't want to stop. .
And there's no point in him trying to be something he's not, cos he's just this aggressive beast thing...Cos they'll say I'm going to change, people say that all the time and it doesn't work....If you've always been violent you can't just stop, cos that makes you feel good cos it makes you feel big and strong.
(girl, 12)
Some children spoke about how their father had previously promised to change however after a period of time or once he had 'got what he wanted', he reverted back to being abusive.
People can just say and try and buy you, they can say I've changed but they are lying an' they just want you to go back so they can do it again. An' they know they'll keep on going back.
(boy, 13)
Yeah they lie to stop people going to court to get them charged an' that.
a (boy, 10)
Making decisions about contact
Children felt that they should make a significant contributionto decisions relating to contact with their fathers. They felt their opinions were important, as it was their lives about which decisions were being made.
One respondent was particularly frustrated that their opinion was not considered because of their age. Another child felt that their contribution to decision making could make them safer.
Respondents felt that 'forcing' a child or young person to have contact with their father when they did not want to would have a detrimental affect on them.
Policy implications
• It is essential that children's voices are taken into consideration when issues of contact are being considered
• The Family Law (Scotland) Act 2006 ensures that courts consider whether contact is in a child's best interest where there has been a history of domestic abuse. Monitoring will be necessary to determine how well professionals implement this Act, how well the courts understand the impact that unsafe contact arrangements can have and how well legal and social services professionals listen to children's views about contact
CRFR research briefing 42
Ater domestic violence abuse children's perspectives on contact with fathers.
References
Hunt J (2003) Researching Contact, National Councilfor One Parent Families: London.
Hunt J and Roberts C (2004) Child contact with non-resident parents, Family Policy Briefing 3: University ofOxford.
Kelly L and Mullender A (2000) Complexities andcontradictions: Living with domestic violence and theUN Convention on Children's Rights, The InternationalJournal of Children's Rights, 8:229-41.
Mullender A, Hague G, Imam U, Kelly L, Malos E andRegan L (2002) Children's Perspective on Domestic
Violence, Sage: London.
Pryor J and Rodgers B (2001) Children in Changing Families Life after Separation, Blackwell: Oxford.
Wasoff F (2007) Literature review on mechanism for dealing with contact issues across jurisdictions, Scottish Executive: Edinburgh.
Author
This briefing was written by Fiona Morrison, from her MSc project,and edited by Fran Wasoff and Jennifer Flueckiger.
For a full list of Research Briefings visit our website www.crfr.ac.uk
Centre for Research on Families and Relationships Tel: 0131 651 1832The University of Edinburgh, Fax: 0131 651 183323 Buccleuch Place, Edinburgh EH8 9LN E-mail: crfr@ed.ac.uk
Contact between children and their fathers following parental separation is a sensitive and controversial subject. Thisis especially so where there has been a history of domestic abuse before parental separation. This briefing outlinesthe findings of a Master's thesis that aimed to gain children's perspectives on this issue.
Key Points
• Children were acutely aware of the domestic abuse that had occurred and of the impact it had on their andtheir mother's relationships with their father, even when they had not been physically abused themselves
• Children reported a mix of feelings towards their father including anger and sadness about his violence and the loss of a father figure. The overwhelming emotion they reported was intense fear towardstheir father
• Fear dominated the children's considerations about contact with their fathers
• Those fears included fear of kidnapping or abduction, fear of further abuse by their fathers and fear of theirfathers' anger. Children considered their and their mothers' safety to be the most important factors when making decisions about contact with fathers who had been abusive
• Children felt that 'forcing' them to have unwanted contact with their father would have a detrimental affecton them
• Children felt that they should make a significant contribution to decisions relating to contact with their fathers.They felt their opinions were important, as it was their lives about which decisions were being made
Background
Domestic abuse is a controversial social issue that inrecent decades has received significant attention. This has led to a greater awareness that children are often witness to and subject to domestic abuse and of the damaging consequences domestic abuse can have for children (Mullender et al 2002).
Child contact following parental separation and the outcomes it has for children is a related area for policy debate (Wasoff 2007). Research shows that while contact between children and their non-resident parentsis generally beneficial to children, it does not result inpositive outcomes in all cases.
Levels of parental conflict, the quality of the child'srelationship with non-resident parent before separation, and the wellbeing of the resident parent are reported as key determinants of whether contact is positive for children.
Of most interest from these studies is the finding thatchildren should want contact with a non-resident parentfor outcomes to be positive (Hunt 2003, Hunt andRoberts 2004, Pryor and Rodgers 2001).
The Children (Scotland) Act 1995 and the Family Law(Scotland) Act 2006 provide the legal framework for contact decisions.
The Family Law (Scotland) Act 2006 has the potentialto strengthen how courts make contact decisions where there is a history of domestic abuse. Section 24 of the Act ensures that when a court is considering the welfare of the child in relation to contact, they must consider the need to protect the child from any abuseor risk of abuse which might affect the child.
The Children (Scotland) Act 1995 establishes the principle that a child's best interests must determinewelfare decisions made about children. However, critics have argued that courts and social service professionals do not always fully consider the impact of domestic abuse on children and the continuing risk that contact may pose to children and their mothers (Mullender et al 2002, Kelly and Mullender 2000).
The Children (Scotland) Act 1995 also requires that children are consulted about important decisions that affect them. However, there has been relatively little research evidence so far about children's perspectives of contact with their fathers where there has been domestic abuse, and how their views have been taken into account in reaching decisions about contact.
CRFR research briefing 42
The study
The main aim of the research was to get the views ofchildren who have experienced domestic abuse about contact with their fathers following parental separation. Inparticular it aimed to:
• explore the feelings that children have towards their fathers
• understand the relationships that they have with their fathers
• explore their attitudes to and preferencesfor contact with fathers
This qualitative study involved 11 children aged between 8 and 14 years from Women's Aid refuge support services. All respondents had experienced domestic abuse in which their fathers were the perpetrators. All respondents had had contact with their fathers following parental separation, although not all were currently having contact with their fathers.
Findings
The children provided frank and detailed accounts of their relationships with their fathers and how they felt about having contact with them. As with other research (eg Mullender et al 2002), children had an acute awareness about the domestic abuse that had taken place in their families.
They had a sophisticated understanding about the dynamics of their own and their mothers' relationships with their fathers. In particular, they gave graphic accounts of violence to which they and their mothers had been subjected.
He was giving my mum the abuse by like pulling her hair and smacking her off doors and stuff.
(girl, 12)
One time my dad had a knife out. I came down when he was taken to prison for the night. I came down and there was a dent in the floor where he flung the couch and there was a knife on the other couch.
(boy, 10)
Fear
Children reported a mix of conflicting and, at times, extreme feelings towards their fathers. They reporting feeling sad about their fathers' violence, missing them, feeling angry with them and being relieved that they no longer lived with them. The strongest emotion that children reported was fear. This dominated their feelings about their fathers and was expressed in a number of ways and for a number of reasons, including kidnap, further abuse and dealing with their father's anger.
Kidnapping and abduction
Children were afraid their fathers would kidnap or abduct them. Contact was seen to provide fathers withan opportunity to 'steal children from their mum'. It is unclear whether this fear stems from threats made by the perpetrators or for other reasons. Regardless of its origin,
it was a significant fear that was shared by many of the children interviewed, as these two examples show.
Well I don't know cos sometimes it starts off like that [contact with a father] and then they'll hold them hostage and want custody of them.
(boy, 12)
.. .feeling all nervous an' that. And saying that I don't want to see him. And the reason why he'd be saying that is cos his dad might not give him back to his mum- (girl, 11)
Unsurprisingly such fears affected the contact that children wanted to have with their fathers. They described the conditions that would be necessary for them to feel safe enough to have contact with their father.
... where there are CCTV cameras or guards. Something where someone could see what was happening, like going swimming there's a lifeguardto see what's happening. Something safe even if it was dangerous like parachute jumping or bungee jumping there would have to be someone there to watch us. Not just for the safety but because he might try and steal them.
(boy, 9)
Further abuse by their father
Contact with fathers was seen to be a means for their fathers to continue to be involved in their mother's lives and continue to abuse them. This finding is consistentwith other studies where contact was found to provide the perpetrator the greatest opportunity for post-separation violence.
The children reported feeling anxious before contact with their fathers. They described being unable to sleep the night before contact and having 'a sore belly' or 'sore head'. All of the children reported concerns that a perpetrator of domestic abuse would use contact as an occasion forfurther abuse, either of their mothers or themselves.
Their father's anger
Children worried that their parents' separation and the circumstances that led up to it would cause their fathers to be angry with them. Reasons for their fathers' anger included children reporting domestic abuse to social workers or because children lived with their mother, not with their father.
With these fears came a strong sense of their own responsibility for protecting their mothers, which caused them to feel anxious and guilty.
Cos I kind of don't actually look forward to the visits and stuff cos... I'm scared I'm going to slip up and say something that I amn't meant to say.
Some described occasions where they had previously intervened to stop their fathers from assaulting their mothers or where they sought help to prevent abuse.
... I could have got him off her cos I've done it before when I jumped off behind and got him at the sides.
(boy. 9)
This kind of experience had repercussions for the relationships that children wanted to have with their fathers.
Losing a father
Along with children's feelings of fear towards their fathers, they all expressed some sadness and loss about their fathers. Even if they were happier not to be living with their father and in some cases no longer having any contact with him, they still expressed a sense of loss. Regardless of his behaviour, most felt (to some degree) a bond with him.
There's practically nothing good about him exceptfrom he's my dad.
- (boy, 9)
These feelings of loss seemed to be concerned with an ideal conception of what a father 'should' or 'could' be like, rather than their own lived experience of their fathers.They described occasions where their fathers had failed to attend contact visits and occasions where they did not keep promises.
[I feel] quite sad cos we can only get to see him once a week and he doesn't turn up, cos he doesn't like doing it with social workers.
(girl, 12)
I feel happy cos I don't see my dad again. He phoned at Christmas and Easter and said he'd get a lawyerand get us, but he never turned up.
(girl, 11)
For some respondents the loss of their father was madeworse by the stigma about not having a father from peers.
Having contact with a violent parent
Overall the children interviewed were ambivalent about having contact with their fathers. One respondent expressed a desire to have contact, six reported they were unsure and four reported that they did not want to have any contact with their father.
Children described what they thought was important when thinking about contact with a violent parent following parental separation.
Safety is paramount
Safety was identified as the paramount consideration when deciding if a child should have contact. They said that if a child was afraid of a parent or if one parent was afraid of the other parent, then contact was not positive.
Children did not rule out contact entirely. Some thought that if their fathers had 'changed', and had stopped being abusive, then contact was something that could be considered.
However they were not convinced that their fathers would stop being abusive. Some worried that their fathers would form new relationships and begin to abuse their new partners. Others did not understand why their father chose to be violent so were unsure what would cause him to stop. Children were clear about what they thought motivated their fathers' violent behaviour, as in these examples.
Because if somebody's violent they can always goand get help, like anger management an' that to getstopped .
... But sometimes it's their will power andthey don't want to stop. .
And there's no point in him trying to be something he's not, cos he's just this aggressive beast thing...Cos they'll say I'm going to change, people say that all the time and it doesn't work....If you've always been violent you can't just stop, cos that makes you feel good cos it makes you feel big and strong.
(girl, 12)
Some children spoke about how their father had previously promised to change however after a period of time or once he had 'got what he wanted', he reverted back to being abusive.
People can just say and try and buy you, they can say I've changed but they are lying an' they just want you to go back so they can do it again. An' they know they'll keep on going back.
(boy, 13)
Yeah they lie to stop people going to court to get them charged an' that.
a (boy, 10)
Making decisions about contact
Children felt that they should make a significant contributionto decisions relating to contact with their fathers. They felt their opinions were important, as it was their lives about which decisions were being made.
One respondent was particularly frustrated that their opinion was not considered because of their age. Another child felt that their contribution to decision making could make them safer.
Respondents felt that 'forcing' a child or young person to have contact with their father when they did not want to would have a detrimental affect on them.
Policy implications
• It is essential that children's voices are taken into consideration when issues of contact are being considered
• The Family Law (Scotland) Act 2006 ensures that courts consider whether contact is in a child's best interest where there has been a history of domestic abuse. Monitoring will be necessary to determine how well professionals implement this Act, how well the courts understand the impact that unsafe contact arrangements can have and how well legal and social services professionals listen to children's views about contact
CRFR research briefing 42
Ater domestic violence abuse children's perspectives on contact with fathers.
References
Hunt J (2003) Researching Contact, National Councilfor One Parent Families: London.
Hunt J and Roberts C (2004) Child contact with non-resident parents, Family Policy Briefing 3: University ofOxford.
Kelly L and Mullender A (2000) Complexities andcontradictions: Living with domestic violence and theUN Convention on Children's Rights, The InternationalJournal of Children's Rights, 8:229-41.
Mullender A, Hague G, Imam U, Kelly L, Malos E andRegan L (2002) Children's Perspective on Domestic
Violence, Sage: London.
Pryor J and Rodgers B (2001) Children in Changing Families Life after Separation, Blackwell: Oxford.
Wasoff F (2007) Literature review on mechanism for dealing with contact issues across jurisdictions, Scottish Executive: Edinburgh.
Author
This briefing was written by Fiona Morrison, from her MSc project,and edited by Fran Wasoff and Jennifer Flueckiger.
For a full list of Research Briefings visit our website www.crfr.ac.uk
Centre for Research on Families and Relationships Tel: 0131 651 1832The University of Edinburgh, Fax: 0131 651 183323 Buccleuch Place, Edinburgh EH8 9LN E-mail: crfr@ed.ac.uk
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